Thursday, September 15, 2011

What's an "At em"?

Don't you just wonder what goes on in that strange place called the mind???
I don't know bout you, but I just chug along, life is good, busy, enjoyable, hectic...then all of a sudden something happens that makes you just stop and wonder...
I get up every morning, drink some coffee, meditate, then start my day. Usually I have projects that I want to get done. But once in awhile...I have no project... A panic appears...
What to do? I start the search for something. Do I work on a mosaic? a new knitting project? clean something? mow? paint a room? Should I re-pot plants, run to the store, make brownies???
I should be busy, no nap taking, no watching TV in the middle of the day, no "just chillin"...I've got to be busy, productive. I wonder around the house looking for something that needs my attention. I look at art for inspiration, search the internet for a knitting pattern that grabs me. It gets to a point of almost panic...I've got to get busy...stay busy!
I sat on my deck and listened to traffic in the distance. I heard the hustle of workers, parents...people doing something and a form of guilt surrounded me.
The day before yesterday, I stopped this jittery pursuit of something to do and decided to meditate on this strange happening.
OMG...I keep forgetting that I'm retired!
Oooh I've got my part-time gigs and I love them. In fact, I worked the month of August...but even then I felt that "need" to advance. To get ahead... I don't know if I'm using the right words or not, but it's how I felt when I was part of the working world, that career oriented world. And for goodness sakes...I don't want to get ahead anymore, so what's that crazy feeling all about???
BF is not retired. He asks me what I'm going to do today...??? hmmm...He calls at 8 to see if I'm up and at em. Yep, I'm up...but not at em. I haven't figured out what "em" is.
I guess I'm just at a new stage of retirement.
Meditation is helping me to rid myself of guilt...and where in the world is that stupid guilt coming from? Well me, of course, that crazy brain chatter that is demanding that I get busy and do something. The mind gets to racing and the body soon follows, it gets jittery. Some kind of stress forms and it's a self imposed stress...gosh, why do we allow this? Normally, blame comes in here. We try to blame our job, bosses, spouses, children, whoever/whatever, for our stress...but we mostly allow stress to happen. It's kind of weird that I could allow stress to appear because I really have nothing to be stressed about??? Stressed because I don't have a knitting project started???
Ole well....I'm learning...
ommmmmm





7 comments:

Towanda said...

Finally, a problem I don't have. However, I do have friends who who are like this, always needing to be productive. Me, I'm more than happy to do essentially nothin'.
I think it is part of the human experience to always keep striving for something more. Plus, our society teaches us we should always be busy, but I think it is a good thing to do nothing at times. Kick back and watch the clouds and the birds.

Out on the prairie said...

I think many would agree that we like to maintain activity in our lives all the time. Perhaps during working years we set aside that fun down time and soon forgot what offers us pleasure.Without work being our main event of the day we need to expand and find new interests.

turquoisemoon said...

Towanda, It is a good thing to do nothing at times. After 40some (did I say that out loud?) years of working, this is just new...to not have anything to do. I've heard of people that, during the first couple of years of retirement, they do everything on their list of things they planned to do during their entire retirement. I'm thinkin that I'm one of these people, but I'll get over this...
Steve, Work was the main event of the day...wow, that is a profound statement!!! I never thought of it like that...

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Reminds me of that old affirmation that we are human BE-ings, not human DO-ings. We have the right to just BE. We don't have to earn our place here by DO-ing all the time.

turquoisemoon said...

Debra, I've never heard that before. Pretty cool! But I'm much better now...I found a pattern for a sweater to knit!

Linda Starr said...

This is an interesting point. Just before I moved here I nearly worked myself to death and since I've been here I've done much less even to the point of Gary saying I'm lazy, but I haven't felt guilty at all cause I used to do it "all" and this time has been recuperating for me. But sometimes I still feel guilty I'm not making enough of my art or cleaning or painting or whatever, but I am trying to set those feelings aside and leaving time for thinking and reading.

Kittie Howard said...

Hi, Lyn! I'm getting back into the routine (after some of life's curve balls - all's in order now) and thought I'd drop by to say Hi but lingered when I got into your post.

I'm going to be odd-person out here and say I totally, 100% understand what you're saying...and have the same feelings/guilt - not as often as before, but they're still there - yep, I'm retired from the classroom as well, got off to a roaring 'retirement' and then hit a wall that still pops up now and then. Anyway, this summer we met a Lutheran minister, from Germany, also on holiday with her hub, and got to talking about stuff - she said this feeling you described is very common in Germany. Then, she added, "Guilt is a by-product of Protestantism." (her exact words) I've given her words some thought, have no conclusion, but wanted to share...sorry this is so long!