Never try on swimming suits in the winter.
Never buy items marked "do not machine wash".
Tattoos change as you age...fish become whales, butterflies become vultures.
The only diet rule you'll ever need is: if it taste good, don't eat it.
You're probably lucky if you haven't met Mr. Right.
You don't recognize a fool till they open their mouth and tell you.
Never hit you kids when you're angry, wake them up in the middle of the night.
A bad memory is a key to happiness.
You don't need map quest to get out of your neighborhood.
You...you younger kids, you did not invent profanities. My father did.
Depend sizes do not come in thongs.
Always own at least one pair of ugly jammies.
Never trust the sales clerk to pick you out two male hampsters.
Wearing white pants insures that you're not pregnant.
Avoid surprises, set up special ring tones for your children and certain relatives and friends.
Take tons of pics of your children, their rooms, grade cards, etc. Threaten to make tees out of them as they get older.
Wearing no makeup to the store insures meeting friends, neighbors and co-workers.
Sitting beside the "really old" at a singles dance, does not insure you'll be asked to dance first.
Your children will not die if they eat some dirt.
Washers and dryers, in matching colors, is not a necessity.
Hand sanitizer is really not needed after picking up puppies or petting horses.
Eventually, travel routes appear on your legs. I personally have the map of Kansas on mine.
Never say, "my kids will never...".
Never admit to anything.
4 bras are all you'll ever need. and...one of them should be a push-up.
Never admit to using pre-made pie crust. Simply dust yourself off with flour and smile.
Be sure to tell the babysitter how to unlock the childproof toilet.
Items hidden in really secret places get lost for eternity.
Actually making your child behave gains you respect from your elders.
Not responding to chain letters does not bring bad luck.
Responding to chain letters will not insure fortune or good luck.
Know the difference between 411 & 911.
My radio can be just as loud as yours, but you really won't like my music.
Listening to old time rock n roll is different for my age group. You may know the name of the artist, but I sure as heck remember when it first came out, who I was dating, and..omg, what we were doing. Certain songs may make you happy, but they "really" make me smile.
Your special diet (if non-medical) only insures one thing...you will not be invited to dinner a second time.
Be aware that words, like dates, have multiple meanings.
Don't leave it to your kids to write your obituary..they have no idea who or what you are. Ooh and make your obituary interesting. For some of us, it's our only reading material.
This is not the end........